The Daddy Games

January 8, 2014
 

Notable Stats

Snow White Spectrum (SWS) – The degree of whiteness of the food your child eats. 1 – Snow White, 2- Off-White, 3 – Tan, 4 – Beige.

Time to Rejection (TTR) – The time it takes for your toddler to reject food that you present to her as soon as she realizes it is not white or off-white in color.

December 20, 2013

Notable Stats

Santa Believability Ratio (SBR) – Your child’s belief in Santa as it holds up to other children trying to shake that faith.

Elf on the Shelf Movement Area (ESMA) – The amount of feet you must move the Elf on the Shelf overnight to combat naughty behavior.

December 18, 2013

Notable Stats

Peace by Stalking Time (PST) – The amount of time it takes for a child to stalk another child into a peaceful accord. This is usually by force.

Peace Table Trips per Day (PTTD) – The amount of times your child is either taking someone to or being taken to the peace table.

November 20, 2013

Notable Stats

Stains per square inch (SSI) – The amount of dark sauce on an article a clothing your child is wearing relative to the amount of clean space left. A one to one ratio means he or she just jumped into a kiddie pool full of BBQ sauce, fully clothed.

November 13, 2013

Notable Stats

Tears per fortnight (TPF) – The number of tears running down a child's face per week. Measured in parts of a trillion.

Crocodile Sympathy Ratio (CSR) – The percentage of tears that are from pain versus the number that are for show or that fall down the face because the child is not sure how to stop crying.

October 30, 2013

Notable Stats

Negativity Multiplier (NM) – Whenever you present an option to your toddler, the option is weighed by how many times your child will say “no” before you can find something that will make them say “yes.” An average reading is 13.

October 23, 2013

Notable Stats

Mastery Delusional Rate (MDR) – The illusion a small taste of education gives to a child making them believe they are now expert level after one lesson.

Little Knowledge Danger Quotient (LKDQ) – The exponential increase in safety risk caused by your teaching your child how to be safe.

October 16, 2013

Notable Stats

Practice Repetitions per Hour (PRH) – The amount of times a child will do the same thing over and over again within 60 minutes whether or not you are telling them not to do so. Infinity is a possible number.

Eyes Glossed Over Thickness (EGOT) – The layer of film that coats a child’s eyes as they tune out the world (and what you are saying) and open the cabinet door for the 3000th time.

October 10, 2013

Notable Stats

Over the Top Frequency (OTTF) – The ratio between times your child does something necessary to get a task done versus the times they add the extra sauce to the task to make it more interesting. A one to one ratio means you need a glass of red wine after you read this entry.

Counters per Request (CPR) – A fraction measuring how often your suggestion to your child is countered with his better idea.

October 2, 2013

Notable Stats

False Knowledge Ratio (FKR) – The percentage of information a child has that they are enacting in the world as a function of what is actually factual information.

Times True (TT) – The number of times a child has to say something to be wholly convinced that it is unequivocally the truth.