The Daddy Games

September 25, 2013

Notable Stats

Art Regurgitation Concentration (ARC) – The amount of time you spend picking up “art” from your living space in a given day measured in square feet, divided by the square feet of your space. Anything over 10% is a problem.

Paper Recycling Balance Point (PRBP) – The ironic see-saw battle between having good recycling practices and the fact that your child who lectures you about it, creates a ridiculous amount of paper to recycle from his artistic prowess.

September 18, 2013

Notable Stats

Tidbits per Schoolday Quotient (TSDQ) – The number of activities your child tells you they did in school divided by the number of activities they actually did.

School Silence Horizon (SSH) – The amount of time it takes from the time you pick up your child from school to the first time they tell you anything about school.

September 9, 2013

Notable Stats

July 16, 2013

Notable Stats

Edible Body Parts (EBP) – The number of body parts a parent has for the soothing and entertainment of an infant (does not have to be an infant).

Gnaw Rate (GR) – The speed by which a gnawing child moves until he or she hits bone.

June 14, 2013

Notable Stats

Rock Hour (RH) – The conversion between 60 minutes in an hour to a real-time hour when there are rocks to be picked up by your children. Depending on the number of rocks, a rock hour is usually 2.5 hours.

Foot Laceration Rate (FLR) – The number of cuts a parent will suffer on their foot per time told to not bring rocks into the house.

I don’t quite get the fascination, but kids love rocks. They adore them. They want to collect them, bring them home, and put them in a high chair.

June 3, 2013

Notable Stats

Screeches per Hunger-Minute (SHM) – The deafening number of screeches of protest as it moves with minutes of hunger in waiting. 

Tantrum Zone Filibuster (TZF) - The physical area a toddler can roll in while protesting a dining option. This is measured in square feet or in rolling distance.

My wife is an attorney and apparently, so is our one and half year old. Only problem is our toddler specializes in an area of law that, for the good of civilization, does not exist. 

May 23, 2013

Notable Stats

Time of Revolt (TOR) – The duration of a child’s protest as a function of the surface they are protesting on. Bonus points for a bed of nails, hot asphalt, and mud.

Defiant Decibel Level (DDL) – The volume by which “No!” is yelled by a child under 18 months old. 

May 15, 2013

Notable Stats

Screeches Per Hour (SPP) – The number of times your toddler screams in frustration with the physical sciences.

Happy Go Lucky Vector (HGLV) – The direction your toddler goes when he or she wants to challenge reality, like lightning or avalanches.

May 7, 2013

Notable Stats

Slowdown Rate (SR) – The speed of deceleration caused by your child’s slow eating. It is measured in missed or late appointments per week.

Digestion Protest Factor (DPF) – The circular trap a parent enters when your child is both tired and hungry and instead of food, tired just feeds hungry and vice versa. Measured in your hair loss.